Confessions of a Houseplant Serial Killer

You can’t go anywhere online right now without seeing beautifully decorated apartments filled with healthy happy houseplants. And I am here for that trend–I love houseplants and usually have between 20-25 houseplants at any one time. But I’ll admit that I have killed 8 houseplants in the last 9 months–and I can’t say it’s a fluke and blame it on quarantine. I’m not entirely sure why houseplants continue to meet their end in my house, but I think it has something to do with my particular form of plant neglect.

How to take care of houseplants (Don't listen to me, obviously)

Basically, my houseplant care routine looks something like this: when the soil feels dry (and I remember), I water. I put them near the sunniest windows I can but on high enough shelves or furniture that my curious and naughty kitty won’t get into them. Maybe once a year, I fertilize them with houseplant fertilizer.

The truth is, I’m just too lazy to bother about fiddly plants. Everybody gets water at the same time. Everybody gets roughly the same amount of light on the same high shelf or dresser away from kitty. There’s no such thing as special treatment when it comes to houseplant care in my house. If they don’t make it, so be it. I’m as ruthless as the Hunger Games.

Houseplants that are hard to kill

There are a few plants that not only survive this treatment but actually seem to thrive. The secret to owning houseplants when you tend to kill them is to find the varieties that prefer the sort of care you provide. Plants that survive my particular form of torture have to be good with less light, prefer their soil to dry out between watering, and not be overly picky about anything.

Easy Care Houseplants (at least they haven't died yet)

Trial and error seems to be the best way to find my perfect plant match. I have killed many supposedly “easy” plants (the dead spider plant below is the 3rd of it’s kind that has met their demise under my roof). But others, like the dieffenbachia, pothos, philodendron, prayer plant, creeping fig, asparagus fern, aloe, and a few more have stuck it out and almost seem happy. I’m not going to give care advice for these plants because I don’t really follow the advice that’s out there. Everybody gets water probably once a week–every 10 days if I’m forgetful. Most would probably appreciate a bit more light, but they get what they get and don’t throw a fit or they die.

Aglaonema

Variegated Pothos

Philodendron

Prayer Plant & Creeping Fig

Prayer Plant again & baby Asparagus Ferns

It can feel a bit like failure when yet another plant bites the dust. But I keep trying–new plant varieties and ones that I’ve had more success with. A little failure is worth it now and again. The most important lesson I’ve learned from my houseplant failures is to keep trying–don’t give up. I’ve discovered which houseplants are a good fit for me and if there are some that aren’t, that’s okay. If only that same lesson were as easy to learn with people.