How to Not Be a Jerk - Etiquette Tips for the Holidays
People are jerks. I’m sure most of us have been both on the receiving end of rudeness and, unfortunately, the giving end. It seems like the difficulties of this year have given people license to behave with appallingly bad manners and a lack of common decency towards their fellow human beings.
Taking a peek at some of the etiquette and manners wisdom from years gone by can help us to reevaluate some of the habits that have turned us all in to a bunch of mean girls from high school.
“Fanny Reaching” as described in the Oregon College of Business Guide to Beauty Charm & Poise
I have studied etiquette and manners for years from different eras and perspectives. I’ve come across some pretty strange and quaint advice obviously from times gone by (such as when a lady may remove her glove to offer her hand to a gentleman or that when on a walk a gentleman always walks nearest the road in case of mud splatters or other dangers), but I’ve also found some truly useful tips and guidelines (how to sit down without looking like you are landing an airplane—also known as fanny reaching).
My interest in etiquette and manners originally stemmed from the innate desires of a shy extrovert who wished that I knew the right thing to say or do in any given situation. I admired ladies of the past who were able to deal with any situation with aplomb regardless of whether it was an uncouth gentleman or a gossipy you-know-what of a neighbor. But as I’ve gotten older, and more comfortable with my extroversion, I have come to appreciate the lessons of good manners as so much more.
Margery Wilson’s Pocket Book of Etiquette published in 1937, is a favorite from my etiquette book collection and helped to change my perspective on the purpose of good manners. She explains that, “Good manners are based almost entirely on kindness.”
Manners aren’t a set of rules to follow or a formula that spits out “the right sort of person”. At its core, manners are something much deeper—they are the subconscious language that we speak to those around us with our words, actions, and attitudes. Essentially manners are the motive behind an action—the “why” if you will.
The manifestation of good manners is in considering the comfort, pleasure, and convenience of others before saying or doing something. Most of us nowadays have a hard time remembering that the world doesn’t revolve around us. And we might not see much value in such an old fashioned idea when our self-centered attitudes encourage us to look out for #1 and spew our opinions out at every opportunity. If others disagree or are uncomfortable, they are the lowest piece of dog doo. I’ll admit, there have been times that I’ve gotten caught up in the merry-go-round of self-absorption too. I’m sure a lot of us have this year.
A few books from my collection
From an article in the Ladies Indispensable Assistant titled Etiquette for Ladies & Gentleman published in 1852
But I want to encourage us all to consider another way of interacting with our fellow human beings. It’s unfortunately true that those who likely need to consider what it means to have good manners the most are the least likely to do so. But we can do what we can to make our engagements and interactions with others more positive, kind, and gracious. Maybe they will absorb it by osmosis and start doing it too without even realizing it.
The holidays seem like a perfect time to revisit some etiquette tips from the past. Especially because this year has been a dumpster fire of volatile topics and difficult situations. I’ve put together some tips and advice that covers topics like conversation, table manners, entertaining, and more I thought would be useful this holiday season.
First up..
Some Etiquette Resources
I usually go for older books and resources as I find them interesting from a historical perspective as well as useful. However, there are more modern editions especially of the classics such as the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette that I have linked here. Older books can be a bit harder to find, but I have had good luck at thrift stores, antique malls and estate sales. If I am looking for something specific, I usually end up on Amazon.
My all time favorite:
Margery Wilson’s Pocket Guide to Etiquette
Good reference books but a bit on the heavy side:
Casual Fun Reads:
Better than Beauty A guide to Charm
The Fabulous Girl’s Guide to Decorum
Jane Austen’s Guide to Good Manners
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