Table Manners ~ Lessons from the Past

Table manners and etiquette tips from the past can be as useful today as they were 100 years ago. I have a couple of useful table manners tips from various sources and time periods ranging from the 1850’s to the 1960’s. Some of the advice will sound strange and formal to our uber casual sensibilities, but I think if we dig a little deeper to find the core purpose behind some of these guidelines, we’ll be able to apply the principles to our modern manners.

If our actions are rooted in the desire to promote the comfort, convenience, and pleasure of those around us, we will invariably be on the right track. I talked a bit more about that in my post, Why Manners Still Matter.

I’m not an expert on etiquette, only an enthusiast. And I’m only an enthusiast because I so often say and do all the wrong things. I want people to feel at ease and be able to enjoy themselves whether I am in the role of hostess or guest. But I’ll admit, I’m guilty of committing these “bad manners” too. I hope these tips will be as useful for you as they have been for me.

#1 Take Your Cues from the Hostess

If you are the hostess, lead by example.

Traditionally, the hostess would take the lead on everything at the gathering including when people began eating, which utensils were used, who one talked to during the meal, and the pace (when the next course would come or when the meal is finished). That might sound a bit restrictive or like a lot of pressure for the hostess, but the goal was the smooth operation of the gathering. Every detail was carefully planned—the food, the timing, the guest list, and the seating chart so that her guests could relax and enjoy themselves.

Which fork should I use?

The beauty of this guideline is that you never have to worry about the dreaded “which fork to use” question. The answer is simply, whichever one your hostess uses. The general rule is out to in (if there are multiple utensils, use the outermost ones first and work your way in.) But if your hostess deviates from that, follow her lead. As a guest, you are along for the ride and since very few people appreciate a backseat driver, it’s never a good idea to correct people on “proper” table manners.

#2 Polite Conversation is Better for Digestion

Read the room & when in doubt, keep it to yourself

Avoid topics that can cause arguments or discomfort such as politics, religion, money, or illnesses

Conversations about these topics can be great in certain settings and with specific people, but at a gathering of people with differing beliefs and opinions, it can be a challenge to keep these topics respectful and constructive. The idea again goes back to the comfort and pleasure of those gathered. There may be some people who enjoy a debate, being gross, or even a rousing fight, but unless everyone present feels the same way, it’s just plain rude.

A few tips to reign the conversation back in when it starts running down an unwanted path.

Change the subject–try to shift conversation to a topic that the culprit (or culprits) are interested in so they will be distracted. It’s not so very different from giving a 3 year old a toy when you need to remove a sharp object from their grasp.

Be direct–if the conversation has gone too far for an easy change of subject, you can gently or jokingly (depending on the group and the situation) stop things with something like, “I don’t think we should talk about politics any more, we’re going to end up with indigestion,” or “I’m sorry your recovery was so difficult from your operation; it sounds very challenging. Insert change of subject here…”

Change something up–if things have gotten out of control and there doesn’t seem to be a nice way to change course, make a change. If dinner is coming to a close, suggest a change of location such as moving to the living room. If you are in the middle of dinner, try interrupting gently to refill drinks or bring out another course. If you have repeat offenders that you have to keep your eye on, plan something ahead of time that can be brought out or changed giving you a reason to interrupt.

# 3 Just Eat It

Don’t be high maintenance about food

This one feels pretty relevant. It seems that everyone is on some kind of special diet these days–dairy free, gluten free, paleo, keto, etc. But when you go over to someone’s house, be considerate of both the hosts and the other guests. I can promise you that no one is interested in all the foods that you are avoiding and what wonders it has done for your GI tract. It puts people off their food and comes of as a criticism of both your host (the horrible unhealthy foods they are serving to their guests) and anyone else who may have a different lifestyle choice than yours.

Special Diets, Food Allergens, & Picky Eaters

If you have a true food allergy or abstain from certain foods for religious or other deeply held personal beliefs, communicate with your host and hostess ahead of time. Offer to bring a dish that meets your needs, so your hosts don’t have to overhaul their entire menu.

I’ll admit that I frequently commit the bad manners “sin” of being a picky eater. I have whole lists of things I hate and won’t eat, so I will definitely be practicing some of these tips next time.

Here’s some tips for when the menu isn’t quite what you would wish.

Be discreet. If you hate onions or are avoiding dairy, choose dishes that have the least amount of offending ingredients.

Take small portions of various things. Even if they include things you don’t like or aren’t on your diet, take at least one bite. you can covertly spread it around your plate later. There’s no need to eat all of it.

“Train” your palette. Try eating outside your comfort zone. Over time, you may be able to handle foods you once hated. You may not love them, but if you can eat them without gagging and dying, life will be much easier for you. I’ve tried this one and it has worked for some foods.

Suck it up buttercup. Just remember why you accepted the invitation to begin with–you want to enjoy the company of the people you are eating with. And I would imagine that you don’t want to hurt the feelings of the people who spent time preparing the meal. This one is the most useful for myself. I can put on my big girl panties and just eat it.

Some Favorite Etiquette Resources

I usually go for older books and resources as I find them interesting from a historical perspective as well as useful. However, there are more modern editions especially of the classics such as the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette that I have linked here. Older books can be a bit harder to find, but I have had good luck at thrift stores, antique malls and estate sales. If I am looking for something specific, I usually end up on Amazon.

My all time favorite:

Margery Wilson’s Pocket Guide to Etiquette

Good reference books but a bit on the heavy side:

Vogue Book of Etiquette

Emily Post’s Etiquette

Casual Fun Reads:

Better than Beauty A guide to Charm

The Fabulous Girl’s Guide to Decorum

Jane Austen’s Guide to Good Manners

Do you have any favorites etiquette resources or etiquette tips to share?

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